The Big Dipper Is Speaking Again

So for the last hour and a half I was just chillen at the end of my street on the neighborhood's little beach/cove. I come here often just to get alone and converse with God. I caught the last glimpse of the western sun. There was the dimmest brush of pink left and all of a sudden my eyes beheld the famous "Big Dipper" constellation. I've seen it many times and it is one of the most famous constellations in our society. Tonight for some reason it stood out as extraordinary. I was amazed. It really does look like a ladle. It was just above the North Western tree line and I pretended to take a hold of it.
Then I remembered what made this constellation so famous. Back in the 1800s Harry Tubman and the Underground Railroad used this constellation to guide them to the Free North. It led those who were slaves out of bondage and into freedom. I felt like the Big Dipper was speaking to me, and speaking to us... "It is time to go north again" "North" meaning "A free Home" The Big Dipper is pointing us to freedom again.

Freedom from what?

From the lies we've believed about ourselves. Freedom from Apathy and depression. Hopelessness and oppression. Broken relationships and empty promises. From starvation and self-centeredness. We are slaves. The Big Dipper is pointing us to the one who said/says "I Am the Truth" "I Am Love" "I Am the Way" "I AM your Heart's Desire" "I Am LIFE". The Big Dipper is inviting us once again to take the risks and pursue the Pursuer of our hearts and the one who is ready to lead us out of captivity and into the Kingdom of His Father. His Name is Jesus. Jesus is here. Jesus is now. Jesus says, "The Enemy [the Accuser the devil] comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but I have come that they [us] may have life, and life to the full." (The Gospel of John 10:10).

"Where do I start?"
Maybe with an honest conversation which may feel like at first like your talking to the air; I know that's how it felt when I first talk to Him again. "God, this feels weird. I feel like I'm talking to the air. But Jesus if you are real and really want to give me life to the full, please come and show me the way." Maybe something like that or "If you are real then where were you when _____!! Show me yourself if your there!"

My dear friends it is time to go north again, and we're going to need a leader to take us through the land of slavery...Jesus' Holy Spirit is really good at that :)

How the Favor Line Snaps

Cutting the Favor Line—The Empty Chair

Back in July our community was going through a series on what Unforgiveness is and why is it so hard to forgive from the heart. At the end of one of the messages the pastor asked God to just speak to each one of our hearts and IF there was any person we still had unforgiveness towards, he asked that God would give us the name of that person. We waited a couple of minutes in quiet and immediately a family member of mine came to mind. Someone I thought I had forgiven four years ago. Yet just recently I became aware of how irritable and short I was around them no matter how hard I tried. What I had been learning the past 10 months in theory and in practice was that the dysfunctional behavior we have (in this case being irritable all the time around someone) is just the leaves on the branches. There are underlying roots and reasons of what is feeding the dysfunctions. That’s why focusing on controlling the “bad” behaviors is meaningless. To tell me “just stop being irritable around her” or “just think of positive things about her” doesn’t touch the root and therefore NEVER works.

The pastor didn’t ask us to force a forgiveness prayer “I forgive ______, Amen.” He said that part of the reason why it is so hard to forgive from the heart is because we forgive too quick. Like with me, the person that had betrayed me so deeply I just brushed it off and said “I forgive you,” and I moved on. Meanwhile all the anger, grief, confusion, and disappointment lay buried in my heart. I never processed through all that stuff. So here I am irritable (the dysfunctional behavior) around this person and the reason is because of unresolved stuff that happened four years ago (the roots). It seemed like I was doing the “Christian” thing by simply saying “I forgive you” because that’s what God says I must do. Through this message series and talking these things out with those I live in community with, I realized that this way of trying to forgive actually keeps us in chains.

So now I realized that I had someone I needed to forgive from the heart and the only way to do that was to revisit the pain that I was dealt four years ago. Throughout the days just thinking about it brought tears to my eyes—the cork was coming out. Then a Saturday morning in mid-July I arranged to meet with two dear friends of mine who have been like my spiritual parents to me these last four years. I went to them because they knew what had happened. Within ten minutes my friend JohnO said, “Have you ever put an empty chair before you, imagined the person sitting in that chair and just tell them everything you’ve wanted to say?” I hadn’t. So with a few more pointers from them I immediately went to the Vineyard building down the street and was alone with God. I put an empty chair before me and imagined the person who had devastated me in the chair. I hesitated. What I was about to say would be impious, irreligious, not pretty, not sugarcoated, totally uncensored, and that scared me. I was about to HEAR and SEE my pain, anger, hate, bitterness, and grief. All types of questions rose up, “If I say these things does that mean I’m sinning? Will God be mad with me?”

The previous November I had learned about how much God longs for us to be totally real and uncensored with Him; to offer up prayers that we actually mean and express how we actually feel. So I had prayed a couple of times about how much I hated someone and how angry I was but had not made it a habit. I was more comfortable with living a life that suppressed all that negativity rather than confessing it with brutal honesty. Not that I lived a life in hiding, on the contrary I live in a community that really is about taking off the masks, confessing weakness, and pressing into Jesus for wholeness and life. But this degree of honesty before God was going to be toxic…

A censored uncensored prayer

So there I was in an empty building, before an empty chair, and before a God I knew loved me—I just didn’t realize how much He loves me/us until after this.

For about five minutes of quiet I sat staring at the empty chair imagining the person there. Tears began streaming down my face. I asked God to bring His presence and to let me know He was near and He was behind this. I asked him to silence any other lying voices that would condemn and shame me once I started my time of confession. I felt peace to go so I did.

I started by asking the person (Remember it is an empty chair, what I did was not to the person face to face. Though there is a time and place and context for talking through these issues. But the intensity of what I said and how I said it would devastate her and wisdom said to first deal with it directly with the Lord and then see if He would have me sit down and talk with the person at some other point in my life). I started saying, “why? How could you have done that to me?” I mumbled some more and cried from time to time. Then after about fifteen minutes the anger I had began to surface. I had feelings of hate and murder. I wanted this person to suffer and die. This was so scary. I hesitated saying this out loud. I had become a master suppressor with these most ugly desires. But I felt peace to go on and brutally confess it to God. So I let it rip. The following is a small piece censored version of my uncensored prayer that was filled with yelling, cussing, and murderous threats. But I don’t think it is necessary for you to know all the details of my prayer, you can get the picture:
“I hate you! I wish you’d die! You betrayed me! Do you have any idea how much that hurt! You took the breath right out of me! I hate you! You suck! I hope you die! You’re worthless!”

This was a censored part of my uncensored prayer before God. I share it with the hope that you would be encouraged to be this honest before God.

So after yelling and shouting I’d break into some dry heaving and sometimes groans and sometimes quiet. After about 45 minutes the name of another family member came to my mind, someone I thought I had forgiven too but again I had never really processed through the pain and anger. So I put another empty chair before me and let it rip. After another half an hour another name came to mind. By the end of eight hours (I thought I’d be there for maybe an hour) eight to nine empty chairs representing people who had hurt me and people I had bitterness and anger towards were before me. After each session of confession with each person, AFTER I really felt God had helped me process through the emotions I then felt freer to forgive them from the heart. So I forgave, asked God to forgive me, asked Him to cleanse me like He promises to do (1 John 1:9), and then I honestly prayed for God to bless the person who hurt me…

I realized I was the one who shouted “Crucify Him!”

As I shouted my hate and bitterness up to God I realized how much I needed Him. How much I needed His mercy. How much I needed the cross of Jesus. The place the Bible says all this nasty sin of mine, which I was now seeing up close and personal, went; it went onto Jesus and died with Him. I knew this in theory and to a degree in practice. But all of a sudden I was before God on my knees realizing my complete and total desperation on Him. Before this I would be a striving perfectionist. I would fast, pray, serve, do bunch of ministry projects, read devotionals more of a way to stay in God’s favor, to earn it, to stay above the favor line. Now as I confessed my sin in brutal honesty I realized that there was nothing I could do to earn His favor. There is nothing I could do to pay Him back. I do this with people as well. Six months ago someone forgave me from their heart for something I had done and my response was not a simple and genuine “thank you so much” but “thank you, I need to do something to make this forgiveness they’ve extended me worth wile.” I scramble. I try to add something on to the forgiveness extended. I do that with God too. On that Saturday I realized the ONLY thing I could do was receive His forgiveness and His mercy and rely on Him to change me.

Three hours into my time of confessing my eyes widened up as I looked at this cross in the building. I thought about the crowds that shouted at Pontius Pilate “Crucify Him!”. They wanted Jesus dead. Often throughout my life I’ve heard people say “The Jews crucified Jesus.” “No, the Romans did.” To which I gently reply “No, I did. We all did.” In this moment I realized that truth to my innermost being as I realized the only hope I had for my sin was Jesus and His death.

So in that room I began yelling at the top of my lungs in all my anger “Crucify Him! Crucify Jesus!”

I was horrified. I was broken. I was sending my Savior to the cross. The one who had met me intimately in so many ways before this scene in my life I was telling Him to die. I cried, but I kept saying “crucify Him.”

I went on several more hours confessing hurts and bitternesses about others and even directed my anger to God, “Why’d You let this happen!? Why didn’t You do anything about it!? You suck!?” Again this is censored for your sake but I was able to be honest with my feelings towards Him as well. This whole time I felt His love and covering, no shame or condemnation. I was often scared at times thinking I was going to far but then I would just tell Him about my fear and He would give me peace and I’d continue. Around 5:30 that evening I got a call from my friend JohnO. I told him how exhausted I was spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. He asked me to come over the house and they could pray for me(it was him his wife a couple of his teenaged children, and another friend of mine). They prayed over me and asked God to fill the places of void. The places where all the hate and bitterness had been to be filled with His love and presence. I left encouraged. I felt like I was walking with a new God, in reality He hadn’t changed, it was me that was seeing Him the way He really is. I felt safe and secure with Him. The favor line began disappearing. He loves me just because. I don’t have to fear losing His favor. I’m His. He loved me in my darkest moments and He loves me in all the others. I don’t have to strive anymore!

As I left their house I had no idea that I had just opened a floodgate of darkness that had been locked away in the secret places of my heart. The next thing was very dark…

How I Began to Get Free From Lust

So when I was about twelve I got into porn and masturbation. It would grow to be a seven year addiction and it destroyed me completely. I saw women as objects with no real good opinions or purpose in life but to be used. When I came back to Jesus in February 2005 I asked Him to not only forgive me of all the lust I had indulged in but to free me from my addiction to porn. He did. I began devouring the Bible. I started in the Gospels which focused on the life of Jesus and His first disciples and went on from there. I got involved in a community who I served and began living life with. I shared my background honestly and would often have them pray for me. Two months into my new walk with God I remember having the strongest urge to get back into porn and masturbation but I just shouted out to God for help and shouted out some Bible Scriptures I had just chewed on that week. The temptation left me.

So I stopped masturbating and viewing porn but I felt like I had a whole library of images and scenes that constantly recycled in my mind. I wanted them gone. Then I heard somewhere that whenever you view a powerful scene, such as something violent or pornographic (though I’m sure this is the same with joyful scene too), it releases chemicals in your brain and the images recycle themselves. So after asking God a lot to burn and erase my memory (which didn’t happen) I just accepted the fact that I’d have to work really hard at SUPRESSING those lustful fantasies and memories and filling my brain and heart with more of Jesus.

Is that the abundant life Jesus offers? To simply Not masturbate, or Not cuss, or Not do this or not Do that anymore? In regards to lust and the way I saw women I felt that suppression would just have to do. It has been a long four years. I used to pride myself in not being addicted to porn and masturbation but Then…

After that Saturday morning empty chair time of brutally confessing my anger, grief, and hate towards certain people, I realized that the only thing I could ever boast in was Jesus and His cross, which I need so desperately. A couple of days after that Saturday ANOTHER person who I was angry at (though they hadn’t wounded me nearly as deeply as the others) came to my mind. So during my break from work I went into a room and imagined the person in front of me. I asked God to help me process through these emotions and help me to be true and honest.

After about 10 minutes I was caught off guard. All of a sudden a re-occurring lustful fantasy came to my mind. My heart jumped and I was about to do what I always do when these fantasies come to the surface, Suppress it by focusing on something else (which is really deceitful because I’m pretending that it isn’t there) or just asking Jesus to take it away. But this time I felt God say, “Not this time. You know how you’ve been honestly confessing your hate, bitterness, grief, confusion to Me these last couple of days? I want you to do the same with lust.” I was scared. “Can I really confess the details of this fantasy to You God? Brutally Honest?”

I felt His love and peace. I began confessing to Him the fantasy. I told Him why I liked it in all the uncensored details, why I wanted to be in the fantasy, why I wish He would approve of it, and why I was angry at Him for keeping from such things. After about two or three minutes of confessing I felt the power of that lust leave. I saw the person of whom it was about with purer eyes. This opened up a floodgate for the next month. Day after day something would trigger a pornographic scene I had indulged in years before or a re-occurring fantasy would be triggered and I would go and confess in brutal honesty the fantasy to God. RATHER than suppress I confessed it.

What I want to make sure I say and hope that those reading this are mature enough to hear it, is that the greatest reason for why I feared confessing lust in detail to God was that it triggered a physical response (i.e. an erection). Just the quick thought of the fantasy triggered an erection which scared me and suppression works at stopping that pretty quick. So my fear in honestly confessing the fantasies was that I thought I was sinning because “I’m just confessing this because I want a little physical pleasure” But the Lord knew my desire was to be set free and it was His idea before it was mine. As I confessed in detail to God the fantasy within a minute or so the image/scene lost its power in more ways than one. One way though was it wasn’t able to trigger that physical response in me anymore. The erection went away. Now, with that said, I’m not saying that pleasure is bad it was misdirected and used independently from Him and His design. Now that my sexuality is in His hands it will experience the expression it was always meant to. When Jesus comes He brings holistic salvation, healing to the entire person—socially, physically, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

These Confession Sessions were like Gluttony and Three Bowls of Kix

My drug of choice has always been cereal. I would devour boxes of cereal and if it wasn’t the sweet kind I’d MAKE it sweet with termite size mounds of sugar. One morning when I was about seven I had just devoured three big bowls of Kix. After the third bowl I felt really sickx—I wonder why. I went to the bathroom and proceeded to vomit in the toilet. I remember seeing the Kix in big chunks J. During this embarrassing gluttonous moment of mine I remember a large presence come over me as I was in the middle of throwing up. I felt a hand start rubbing my back and then the words “It’s ok, It’s ok.” It was coming from my nine year old brother. My brother and I would go on in our lives dealing each other some of the deepest wounds (I made fun of his weight, he’d make fun of my acne for example). But this moment was a lasting memory of what pure love looks like. Being loved, respected, and supported in the times of vulnerability. He could’ve said “you are not smart for eating that much” “I told you so.” Or a slew of other things, but my brother just loved me.

Just recently the Lord showed me that this type of brutally honest confession before Him is like the time I vomited Kix and my brother came alongside me. As we let Jesus in, follow Him, and humble ourselves with our brokenness, Jesus comes and rubs our back saying “It’s ok, you can let it out.” He already sees the hate, pain, brokenness, confusion, grief that is in our hearts, He is safe. We can take it to Him…

What’s this Have to do with the Favor Line?

So what started this thread of notes on my brutal times of confession was a discussion about the favor line. The favor line is the very fabric of all societies. Your parents have a favor line and sets of expectations. You know how to please them and stay above it and you avoid them when you’ve come below the line. It is the same with school, friendships, religious systems and so on. You are either below the line, which merits disappointment, sometimes punishment, and seclusion or above it, which merits rewards of various degrees.

As I began confessing all my hate, grief, pain, lust, and so on to God and seeing my sin the way it was buried in my heart I realized how much God loves me/us. To send His Son to die on a cross to take all my nastiness off of me is a God who is LOVE. In those moments when I said, “Crucify Him!” and “I hate You God!” I felt His love and felt Him taking my tears, NOT rejection. If God can emphatically love me in those moments then there is no favor line with Him! I don’t have to strive. I don’t have to perform. I don’t have to DO things to stay ABOVE the line. I can simply and sweetly daily receive this love and from there DO things out of that love for others. It is that simple yet because we also Daily live alongside a system that says the opposite “Perform better to receive more and to stay above the lines” it makes this difficult. It took me four and a half years of following Jesus within an honest community to finally get to this point—I’m by no means THERE but I’m going forward. There’s more freedom in Jesus on the horizon for me and He is there/here for you too…

there is a heart in the picture

So I've been seeing hearts everywhere in the oddest places. Like two tiny pieces of tomatoes made the shape of heart for example. Anyways it keeps reminding me of God's love for us. And I just noticed that in the title picture above there is a tiny heart in graffiti. Can you find it?

Just another reminder of how much He loves us, just because...

Accept it or Discover?

Have you ever experienced something disappointing, heart-breaking, something that just really leaves you confused and wondering "why? what? but?"? Then some well-intentioned person comes along--sadly I know it was me some of those times--and says "O' well just accept it, trust that God is good."

I'm beginning to see how devastating that advice can really be. The problem with saying to "just accept" the bad that just happened in your life and just accept that God is good and has a plan often doesn't help at all. It might sound pious to accept what just came your way based on believing God is good. What this actually does is cut off any dialogue God longs to have with you.

So for example, you've just lost a job suddenly, or someone unexpectedly stabs you in the back, or someone you thought was totally in to you likes someone else, or you don't get the position you thought you heard God say you would get, and your response is "Oh well, bad stuff happens, but God is good" and you try moving on in your life. MEANWHILE all the anger, confusion, grief, and questions fester in the depths of your soul. This affects your daily life. How you perceive others' actions and how you see God.

Today I realized that I never want to just "accept" God's goodness in life, I want to discover it. BIG DIFFERENCE. "Accept" is a dead noun. DISCOVERING something is active, alive, and surprising. I want to discover who God is and so does He. I want to daily discover and taste that God is indeed good. I want to see how He works and moves. I want to see it more and more.
And when (Not if) bad stuff happens I'm coming to the understanding that starting with throwing all the questions, anger, confusion, and sadness on the lap of Jesus is a better place to start than just accepting it and moving on (which is really just a way of avoiding processing through the pain). I ask and often shout the "whys" "whats" and "hows" to Him. This begins the discovering process.

Accepting it from the beginning cuts off the conversation with Him, while honestly venting it to Him begins the treasure hunt. There indeed are treasures to find.
Jesus is saying,
“The Kingdom of Heaven is like a treasure that a man discovered hidden in a field. In his excitement, he hid it again and sold everything he owned to get enough money to buy the field.

“Again, the Kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant on the lookout for choice pearls. When he discovered a pearl of great value, he sold everything he owned and bought it!"

Go get Him, He's waiting, or better yet He is already there, just come out from hiding :)

I can't, and won't carry it

Last night I was in small group. Small Group/Life Group/Home Group/House Church is where people at the church community I am apart of get together consistently (i.e. 2nd and 4th Wednesdays of the month or every Tuesday) in a group of anywhere from 3-20 some people from various ages (so far people from 18 years old-to those in their 50s and 60s). We have food, chat, sing songs to Jesus, ask for His tangible presence to come, we might read a little bit from the Bible, share our struggles and pray for anyone who wants prayer.
So last night after the person who was leading us into songs of adoration and requests to God, he began strumming gently on his guitar. A young woman, 18 years old, then began sharing with the group how it was great to be back in the area. She grew up in the area but recently went to a mission training school for five months. She said that for being back just a week she could already see how hard it is to live here in Maryland. The stress, apathy, exhaustion, the spiritual hardness and so on is so thick in this area that we live. She asked us how we were doing; if we were exhausted. Almost everyone said they were. Me too. She prayed that God would meet us where we were and that He'd give us rest from the heavy burdens.
Then two of the pastors began honestly sharing to us and to God how dry and helpless they felt.

I then offered up a little prayer out loud, "Daddy [God] I don't know what to say. I am so tired [physically, emotionally, mentally]" During that time I told God in my mind, "I can't carry this burden anymore. I surrender." All of a sudden I felt a HUGE physical weight weighing down on my back and shoulders. It was literally crushing me. I almost laid face down on the ground. Tears slowly went down my face. For the first time I was feeling how heavy the burden really was, now that I wasn't trying to hold it up anymore. One by one everyone began to share their hurts and struggles.

I was last. They asked me how I was doing and I just explained what was happening, that I could not carry the burden anymore. They asked what the burden was and as I tried to name it I started weeping in front of them--there was about 13 people. I cried with tears and snot. I finally got out "The burden of the world [the hurting, lost, forgotten, my family]" I weeped more. Then I got out "The burden of my future [what the future holds for me as a pastor, as a student at College Park, finances, finding my wife etc..]". I weeped some more. They just let me cry and heave for a little bit and didn't interrupt.
Then they prayed over me. Through their prayers I realized that I'd have to come to this place of surrender thousands of times in my life. I was acting like God by taking His burden for ALL the world; last night I gave it back. I was acting like God trying to control the future in attempt to cooperate with Him in this partnership; last night I gave the control back to Him. I'll have to do it over and over and I'm sure--even this morning. I have a tendency to try and be God in my life. I'm giving it back...again to Him. I can't carry that burden. I'm exchanging it back for a light burden. One day at a time. The present is really the only time we have. "Do not worry about tomorrow, it will worry about itself." There is just enough to be in and with Jesus for one day at a time. When I dwell on the future all the make-believe worries become real pain and confusion.

Did you find any _____?" The UGLY TRUTH

One night, during my vacation in August to the Outer Banks, I went around 11:00 o’clock to be alone on the beach. I love yelling out into the ocean at night especially to God. So around midnight I noticed a few guys probably in their early 20s walking on the beach. They had a flashlight and were looking at the sand. About fifteen minutes later they found something. I was curious so I went over and asked them what they had found. They showed me this little sand crab that was still alive.
It hadn’t been but one minute later when one of the guys asked me, “You find any pussy?” I was caught way off guard. We hadn’t said but a couple “how are you” type of sentences to each other then he immediately asks me, “Did you find any pussy?” I responded, “I’m not looking for any. Actually, I’m here on vacation with my mother, just chillen. It is a really nice place. What you guys up to?” I didn’t want to be judgmental and say “Nah man I don’t believe in that stuff, you shouldn’t do that,” and I didn’t want to lie trying to fit in and say “Nah I haven’t found any” or something like that. So I just was honest and changed the subject. We chatted for a couple of minutes and parted ways.
I think this example reveals the pulse of our culture, particularly the men culture. To meet a peer male in less than a minute and ask him if he has had sex yet with someone shows where our hearts are. It is a vicious cycle that it doesn’t seem like we have hope of getting out of. I mean is that what we are known for men? Trying to get some? Look at the picture of the new movie “THE UGLY TRUTH” The picture is of a man and a woman. The woman has a big bright red heart in her head and the guy has a big bright heart over his groin.


If this is true, have we asked ‘why’? Perhaps we have. Are we satisfied with the biological explanations we’ve received of how us men are more visual and physical than women. Are you satisfied men? Are we ok with being addicted to sex, porn, masturbation because “that’s just the way men are?” Are we satisfied with the advice I heard some famous comedian give to us College Park students, “Why on earth are you addicted to porn now? Porn is for you after 20 years of having sex with the same woman, not for when you are 20 something! You should be having sex with all kinds of women now!” Does that sound right? Is that fulfilling?
What the above movie poster says to me is, “Nazim you can only love with your penis. Everything else that you say, do, think, love will ultimately revolve around the love of your own penis—getting some friction.” That sucks. And I know for quite a long time of my life I definitely fit that “Ugly Truth.” And as some of my other recent blogs are showing, I’m realizing that I have some more re-wiring and restoring that Jesus is taking me through as far as how I view women and men. But there is a reason it is called “UGLY” right? There is something else, something that is NOT UGLY, but rather Awesome, Beautiful; the way it was supposed to be. Something fulfilling and life-giving in not just the sense of having a child—the UGLY TRUTH has produced many children—but a life-giving partnership. Sex that is not about taking but giving. Something filled with true love and a guilt free pleasure. There is another Way. There MUST BE…

Did you find any _____?" The Rest of the Story

So the above post, "The UGLY TRUTH" didn't finish the story of what happened to me with those guys on the beach. So if you want to know what happened next below is the story. The first paragraph below is identical to the paragraph in the previous post above. But then I continue with the story rather than discussing the UGLY TRUTH.

It hadn’t been but one minute later when one of the guys asked me, “You find any pussy?” I was caught way off guard. We hadn’t said but a couple “how are you” type of sentences to each other then he immediately asks me, “Did you find any pussy?” I responded, “I’m not looking for any. Actually, I’m here on vacation with my mother, just chillen. It is a really nice place. What you guys up to?” I didn’t want to be judgmental and say “Nah man I don’t believe in that stuff, you shouldn’t do that,” and I didn’t want to lie trying to fit in and say “Nah I haven’t found any” or something like that. So I just was honest and changed the subject. We chatted for about two minutes. I got the guys name and he mine and we parted ways.

I immediately began asking God “What could I have said in response to that Lord?” I really feel like I could have said something else…Then I think I felt the Lord say, “Tell Joe [not his real name] what you came out here looking for tonight.” Uh Oh. I’ve been in these situations before. I could feel the nervousness rise up in me. I was going be a fool for Christ. I was going to get laughed at or dismissed if I walked up to them again and said something about Jesus.

I paced back and forth on the beach. I saw them leave and followed them a couple hundred feet at a distance. I sat in front of the hotel I was staying and watched them get further and further away. I felt discouraged. I felt like I was missing something. Then this thought came over me, “What you feel you need to say is important; you may never see them again and you’ve felt this before and the Lord has been faithful. Just do it!” After about five minutes of struggle I started running. They were out of sight but I thought that I might catch up to them. And then I saw them up ahead sitting on the second level of an closed deck that had screens around it. It was now more than three guys it was at least five to seven guys on the deck. I knew this was the right house because I saw the guy clearly who asked me, “Did you find any pussy?” walk up to the deck and sit down.

They saw me walking from a distance and he and some other guy thought I might be a cop or something. I asked if Joe was there, if I could speak to him for a moment. The ring leader said that he didn’t know the guy in a mocking tone. I re-assured them that I wasn’t a cop but the guy continued to persist and say he had no idea who was talking about. So I said “ok,” and turned around to walk away. But then I turned around and said,

“Look, Joe I know you are up there and I know you all can hear me so I’m just going to say what I think I need to say. Joe do you remember the question you asked me back on the beach? You asked me if I had found any pussy. I told you that I hadn’t been looking. But I wanted to be honest with you and say that I was looking for something. I was looking for Jesus out there tonight and I found Him. And I think He wants me to tell you that He is looking for you. It is time to consider Jesus. He loves you all.” The ring leader said “thank you, have a good night,” his tone went from mockery to gentleness. I thanked them and went back to the hotel.

I felt at peace afterwards.

Why am I sharing this?

One way I have begun to be able to tell what the will of God is in particular situations in my life is usually my immediate reaction response to Him is “No, I don’t want to do that. That is weird, stupid, doesn’t make sense.” This example above illustrates that. I just wanted to be all alone (which I had been for about an hour) on the beach. I didn’t want to ‘evangelize’ or look stupid and so on. God had different plans and it was a joy and privilege to be apart of.